Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Your Twentieth Assignment: Hatred

Targeter on site.  Prepping for assault.  The target has been hardened.  This won't be easy.

Lock and load, agents!  My unabashed love for this game is obvious.  My feverish fanboy hopes have been burning since 2007.  And yet ...

There are some things I actually don't like about TOR.  I'm going to talk/rant about them today.  Caution: this post contains profanity.  A metric fuck-ton of it.

1) Ord Mantell - Fuck you, Ord Mantell.  You are the biggest, most boring, most frustrating origin world.  You actively make me hate you.  The quests are insipid.  The plots are over the top.  You make me feel, as the character, like a cog in the machine with no chance for glory or honor.  You have a mine field for refugees.  There is corruption everywhere.  By being so heavy-handed, you make me root for the Separatists.  Yeah, you heard me.  Fuck you Ord Mantell.  I can't get off you fast enough.

2) Heroic Quests - Heroic quests are designed to try the patience of any player.  Ridiculously hard (unless you're a bounty hunter with Mako) and frustratingly long, they operate as open world dungeons with uneven difficulty scaling.  Some planets have a couple, some planets have them clustered in one area, and some planets like Hutta have them goddamn everywhere.  Worst part is that the heroic quests are almost needed to stay in the proper level range; you need them to hit level 10 before you leave so you can pick up your own goddamn Advanced Class.  Here's hoping you can group with some decent people instead of being stuck with the retard spamming his normal attack.

3) Crafting - What needs to be said here?  You mindlessly grind away at items that have no value or merit.  Granted, your companions do it this time around and can make items while you are off questing (craft my bracers, slaves!) but STILL.  Crafting shit just to make shit so you can make more shit later on is just ... shit.  Make crafting meaningful for fuck's sake.

4) Taris - Darth Malak should have finished the job.  Taris is, quite possibly, the worst MMO zone ever made.  And it's insidious.  It never ends.  It goes on for hours and hours and hours.  And then, when you think you're almost done, you're not!  Taris can burn for all I care.  Damn Taris.  The stories here aren't even interesting.  Who gives a flying wookiee fuck about whether rakghouls are intelligent?  Kill all those bastards and get it over with.  And must you be so stinkin' large, Taris?  You know I don't have a speeder, yet you insist on being as big as Ricky Lake.  Jesus fucking flapjacks.

5) Companions - Can you be any more fucking retarded?  Seriously?  Hey Khem Val, I really want you to stand on shit I'm trying to click!  Hey Vette, why don't you get stuck in an elevator!  Oh hey, Aric Jorgan, please keep reminding me that you want to talk to me!  Fuck you all, companions.  You're annoying (except you, Mako).  Go away and craft some crap for me while I continue to be awesome.

6) Trade Chat - Oh for fuck's sake, Bioware just couldn't help it.  They introduced Trade to the game in this build.  Thank you, Bioware.  Thank you for creating a channel that will devote itself entirely to anal jokes, Thunderfury memes, Chuck Norris sayings, comparisons of WoW and TOR, and other assorted asshattery.  Huzzah for children spamming ANAL [Shock].  Crap.

Rant over.  I'm going to take a nap.  Fly fuckin' safe, shoot goddamn straight.  And blow Taris the hell up.

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