Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Douchecanoes and You!

You all know him.  He's that guy.  The guy that incessantly bitches and moans.  He hates everything, and anything you like doesn't compare to a certain thing he likes and therefore is crap.  Yeah, that guy.  We all have known that guy at one point in our gaming lives; hell, some of ya'll may even think I'm that guy.  I'll be honest; I've not always been in love with the direction that Bioware has taken TOR and I've been very vocal about it.  I've rubbed more than a few of you the wrong way with my hate-filled diatribes and lengthy rants.  But you must realize, that this all originates from my once fanatical, now cautiously optimistic love of this game.  Guys, I love this game.  Like, in illegal ways.  I'm not talking about that type of guy (mainly because I'm that guy and let's not talk about my foibles, dammit!).  I'm talking about another type of guy.

He's the guy that only shows up because his friends play the game.  He's the guy that really doesn't like the game that much.  He'd much rather be playing something else.  And he lets you know about it all the time.  He insists on informing you that the only reason he is here is because his friends are.  He bitches and moans about every bit of information, good or bad.  He constantly compares his current game to a game he liked in the past.  A game that 'got it,'a game he identifies with, and a game he apparently refuses to play anymore because his friends aren't there.  And so this guy, angry, desperate, and bitter, turns to bashing the game he's currently playing.  Yeah, that guy.

That guy's an asshole.  I've known a few of those guys in my time, and I'm betting you know at least one of them right now.  The Old Republic seems to be to rife with these type of assclowns right now; the "told ya so lol f2p" queeftards that live to shit on your parade.  So how do you deal with those type of guys?  How do you keep them from bringing you down with their churlish, derpy statements about SWTOR?  Other than the obvious option of burying them in the backyard with a bullet embedded in the brainpan, there are a few things you can do to help irritate or eliminate these douchecanoes.  There are certain techniques you can employ to nullify their trollish attacks.  Let's explore a few!

"TORtanic is a failure!"

The most unsophisticated type of attack is to assault the game as a failure or use the term 'TORtanic.'  Yeah, like we've not heard that before, moron.  The best possible thing you can do is fight fire with fire by either insulting their masculinity (Hey, limpdick!  Go play Hello Kitty Online!), their mother (Your mom's a WHOREtanic!), or just put them on ignore.  I'd go for option three, but I'll be honest ... I sorta love the term whoretanic.  I just made that up and it's BRILLIANT.
"This game is dead!  LOLOLOL"

Clearly not, Einstein.  After all, you're online aren't you?  And so am I because I am the unwitting target of your nonsensical text diarrhea.  A few defenses for this are; listing in detail every reason you think the game is, in fact, not dead, posting a huge diatribe about how this particular idiot's opinion is invalid because of his gear, or putting him on ignore.  I'd advise option three, although an in-depth breakdown of his character's gearing mistakes could be fun.
"Guild Wars 2 is superior in every conceivable way!"

Oh Christ, not this asshole.  AMG GERD WERZ.  Look, I'm sure Guild Wars 2 is a great game!  Looks great!  Heard it plays great!  Great art direction!  Cool!  Go play it then, fucknut.  Why are you in SWTOR to begin with?!  Go play as a tree-person, or a midget, or some sort of Klingon war yak or whatever the fuck a Charr is then.  Seriously.  Possible methods of attack: remind him that Arenanet sucks balls and Guild Wars was an abortion, suggest that he likes to play a console or something, or put him on ignore.  Option three is probably the best, but making fun of him for being a console gamer is fun too.  Unless it's Xbox 360, cuz that system rocks.
"I had fun with TOR but it's really not my cup of tea.  I may come back for the free to play conversion though."

Oh yeah?  You can stick a  ... oh wait.  No, this is perfectly reasonable.  Don't ignore this person.


If you follow these easy steps (especially my suggested options), you too can enjoy your TOR experience to the max.   


(Addendum: This post is in response to a coworker of mine who spent the better part of three days complaining to me that folks on TOR were getting him down and making him not want to play.  To which I responded, "Are you having fun?  Then why are paying attention to them?"  For three straight days.  Hey dude, this post is about you.  Get your own enjoyment out of the game instead of letting others dictate it for you.  Ignore the haters.)


  1. Hm, I haven't seen any talk like that in ages. From my point of view it seemed to be most prevalent when the game was new actually, and all the tourists felt the need to complain about why it wasn't more like WoW.

    Also, while I do not approve of trolling or counter-trolling in any way, I have to confess that "whoretanic" made me laugh.

    1. Heh, no counter-trolling needed. Just the /ignore command.

  2. Klingon War Yak.... *rolls on the floor*

    Thanks for making me laugh.

  3. Maybe this is just my view as someone with very little free time, but I would never participate in a voluntary activity that I hate during my limited free time, or spend MORE of that free time whining about said activity.

    1. Inorite?! I swears. I know I've been critical and butthurt before, but jeezy lou-eeeezy!

  4. I admit of being guilty of the first sin, I play mainly because of the awesome snarkers but I try to keep mostly quiet! I swear!

    As for the game itself I still pray daily for EA not to mess things up even further. Btw, I am totally blaming EA for all the evil in the world.

    Hope I'm not too annoying :P

    1. You mistake being annoying for being Snarky. There's a difference ;) You're a Snark Sider, you're allowed.